I had the distinct pleasure to observe as my friend S was meeting potential roommates to fill a spot in her house. Not to be overly mean, but one of the guys who came by clearly had a lot to learn about this process. I knew something was wrong when I saw he had on the trifecta of eye-roll-inducing accessories:

• a blue wristband (which has a half-dozen meanings, according to The Internet),
• a poorly placed gold ribbon lapel pin,
• and a large class ring.

He played his strong suit first by saying he's unemployed and he's trying to get out of his apartment because he keeps fighting with his current roommates. He bluntly asked if either of them are vegetarians (my friend's housemate, M, is) before explaining that he despises his current vegetarian/vegan roommates. He volunteered that he had a thousand dollar futon (??) and a toaster oven because he hates slot-loading toasters (Philistine). He then hit me up for a job (heh) and made a fool of himself by mimicking the cat (don't ask – it was too painful to write about). I kinda feel bad for the guy because he's got to keep looking and I feel like he's not going to catch a break anytime soon.